there is no spoon.

i love the show i'm working on. it isn't often i get to play character roles, and rarely ones this funny or broad. i miss it. and it's coming very easily. all of it. the choices, the memorization, the physicality, the comradarie. it's been a long time since i've been involved in a show and not had to be there for every rehearsal or worry about anything other than the few scenes i'm in. that's nice. it almost feels like a break.

how is this only my 5th project this year? i feel like i've been through a million.

it feels very nice to be suspended in the come-what-may gel this year. i have nothing lined up for a while here, and if something comes up and i feel strongly about it, i may say yea. but if nothing's going on, i am not threatened by that. i have other things i would like to develop and work on. i will never be without work to do.

derek and i had a conversation the other night. he sees that i am frustrated when i don't notice it myself. he is concerned that i am limiting myself and becoming compliant about only working with my own company. but if nobody's casting me, how am i supposed to work elsewhere? "develop your own work." i don't know how. "YOU JUST DID." yes. but the fringe is a hell of a producer; they did everything for me. i don't know how to do that on my own. "nobody does at first. and if you need help, i will help you. and i bet you could name a dozen others who would jump on board as well. you should not leave your company. but if there's something you want to do that isn't in their mission, you've got to do it yourself."

he's right.

and i swung this past several people, and they mostly agree that he's right. the only ones that disagree are the ones that seem to think the only theatre that is real theatre is what happens on a stage with many actors and designers and ticket sales, or just generally believe that their way is the only right way and all others are doing things wrong. which is funny to me, because there are plenty of companies and artists in this town that do not work on that model and do just fine. there are many ways to do theatre. and, as in any art, to stop growing yourself is death.

i'm not even thinking about a company. just me and working on new ideas. and whomever wants to play. i'm not even thinking about shows or seasons. just making things and presenting them in whatever format is available. hell. there are so many outlets in this town. derek's right. it's stupid to limit myself to one type of operating mode.

even if it's just a personal workshop. even if i develop something and nobody ever sees it, i learn from it, right? or i can steal from it and apply it to other projects upcoming. i have ideas. i have some time. and i have a free rehearsal space. i can do anything with those three things.

that was a good talk though. he said things to me that i really needed to hear. and it's amazing what happens when you see yourself through the eyes of someone who loves and admires not only you, but the things you do. and to be given that new sight, to see that my limitations have been self-imposed and i could at that moment break any one of them that i chose...that was like dropping a very heavy weight i had no idea i was carrying.

that was a great gift. not only for myself, but going into this show. i forgot what it was like to perform without fear. it's good stuff.