more tales of the office.

things you should know about the cast of today's "tales of the office":

--the mumbler. everything she knows she learned from movies. she is the
fastest talker i have ever ever known, but also the quietest--she must have
the internal volume in her head turned way up. as far as i know, she
survives soley on candy and red bull. she has seen no less than 6 of her
aquaintences on the following shows: ricky lake, jerry springer, and judge
judy. she has been arrested for bar-fighting. appearance: cute whitey
gang-girl, tatoos on wrists, belly always showing.

--the patridiot. her favorite thing in the world is american flags, which
dominate her cubicle. she sings to commercials on the radio. loves the
smell of babies and sniffs any that come into the office (i'm half afraid of
her eating one oneday, but half wanting to witness it). when the bathroom
in her house is occupied and she needs to pee, she will drop trou in her own
backyard. a state-fair enthusiast, her greatest daydream is to win
dairy-queen and get her head carved in a block of butter. appearence:
think mimi from "drew carrey" sans the crazy outfit but similar makeup and
hair. this just in: she just bought 12 pounds of butter last night. 12.
pounds.

--me. too much of a culture-whre to work here.


today's episode: "classical entertainment conversation."


the mumbler: last night, i laughed so hard! they played "gone with the
wind" on t.v. and they played the WHOLE intermission!

me: ugh. "gone with the wind." what a "vanity fair" rip-off.

the mumbler: what? didn't that just come out? wasn't reese witherspoon in
that?

me: dear, "vanity fair" was written in the 1800's. you know; thackaray?

the mumbler: *shrug*

me: he was an english author of the late regency period.

the mumbler: but they played the WHOLE intermission! who does that?

me: i dunno, i suppose if they're playing it on t.v. and you can't press
pause, it'd be nice to have an intermission. they always do it when they
play "amadeus," and i like it.

the patridiot: "amadeus?" i like that movie!

me: *shock* really?

the patridiot: yeah...i think...wait. which one's that?

me: it's the one about mozart.

the patridiot: is that the one where he's in the white suit?

me: ?

the patridiot: you know! with the funny hair and he's laughing all the
time! and he farts while he's playing the piano?

me: yes. it's about mozart. and it's a harpsichord.

the patridiot: yeah! i like that one. it's kind of weird, but it's really
good.

me: well, it won the oscar that year.

the patridiot: well, i don't know if it's THAT good. *laughs to herself*
it's really funny when he lifts up the back of his suit and farts. doesn't
he fart at his dad?

me: *sigh* yes.

the mumbler: hey, i just got an email from my aunt! christopher walken's
running for president! yeah! i'm totally voting for him!


fin.

5 things grab bag! dogs! death! ghosts! leqoc! lamb meat!

more fun with 5 things!!! ...this one's a little dull.

five things that sum up a very mixed-bag day.

1. the dog next door is howling like a fuck. it's been going on all night. he sounds hoarse now. i have never ever wanted to hurt an animal in my life. but i have to admit, i'm pretty close. not that it's his fault. he's just protecting his space from my guest. read on.

2. my uncle donnie passed away today. it's okay. he kind of distanced himself from us and i haven't seen him in 15 years. he's been sick with the cancer for a while...that's what 5 packs a day for 30 years will do for you. what makes me sad is that my family is sad and i'm not there with them. but i'm glad he went peacefully, he said he was ready to go...he was in a lot of pain. good for him.

3. i have a ghost in my apartment. eh. i've lived with them before--my sister used to listen to them in the living room of our old house and the victorian place i rented in duluth had one that liked to move things in the basement and open/shut doors. but this one just showed up today. i've had three pictures fall at me just today. these are pictures i have placed on top of window frames that have sat there for years. then, today, three of them fall, all when i'm under them or watching them (ask stephie, she was on the phone with me for one of them, i actually saw that one tip). when i tell this bastard to move on, the dog next door starts barking and clawing at the wall. and no, it's not donnie, he was a prankster, but i'd know if it was him. besides. donnie died in the afternoon and the first picture fell this morning. so i was later than i wanted to be for rehearsal tonight because i was busy taking all the framed pictures down...especially the japanese handkerchiefs in the heavy heavy glass frames above my bed. that could have resulted in disaster tonight.

4. work sucked, as it does every first working day of the month when the computer recalculates debt. and rehearsal rocked, as it does when there is any opportunity to get back to my movement roots. yay leqoc! i missed you!

5. i had a gyro for lunch. i like gyros. that was happy.

ETA: now this asshole is tipping things off my computer desk. HEY ASSHOLE, I'M RIGHT HERE. I SEE YOU. GOOD FOR YOU. now go through the fucking tunnel and be happy. i've got things to do.