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i can't try if nobody will let me try.
Jun. 2nd, 2011 12:25 pmi just realized i am turning 35 in a couple of weeks. i never thought i'd be the kind of person to let an age depress me nor compare myself to others. and, for the most part, i don't. but i do have that twinge of sadness that at this age people will start giving up on me.
...they kind of already have.
what i mean by this is, at age 35 i am expected by my society to have gotten all of my learning done. what i am now is what i always will be. if a 22 year old goes into an audition and fits the bill but doesn't have a needed technique, the director will weigh the chances of their learning. if i go to an audition, fit the bill, but don't have that same technique, i will be counted as someone who is too old to learn it. example: there is a theatre in town that i admire looking for apprentices. even though i had no thought of going out for the apprenticeship, it was made clear to me that it wasn't for me anyway...because it's for "those of education age." meaning: you're too old to start new things or brush up on techniques you've let go on the wayside. you have been packaged. you stay where you are. your chance to do something has come and gone; we're going to give the chances to people who haven't even started yet.
and this is the saddest thing of all for me. not that i'll never be as pretty as i was at 24 or getting back down to 130lbs again will never happen. it isn't that i know i am stuck with back and knee problems for the rest of my life and keeping myself in shape will become much harder and i will get tired earlier in the day. it doesn't sadden me that i have fewer days on earth or that my days until grey hair #1 and definite lines come around. i can work with that.
what hurts most is being barred from learning. or being laughed at because of wanting to. sure. i mean. nobody's stopping me from sitting down and learning new facts, new musical instruments, new skills in carpentry or baking or a number of personal, individual pursuits. but when it comes to a place in the community...well. with my monetary profession--office work--i realize that i will forever be stuck at this payscale and nobody will be willing to take a chance on me in some very related but creative position. when it comes to my heart's profession--acting--i was supposed to have gotten all of my training before age 30 and then the door was to be shut on me, despite the constant barrage of acting advice that tells us we have to keep improving. you know. as if i am now set in my groove and cannot possibly grasp new technique or skills or styles.
me. who loves the capacity of the human heart to learn. who feeds off of newness and forward momentum. who does not measure life by what i have accomplished but what i have left to discover.
i have just seen my capacity to discover shortened dramatically in ratio to my want to discover.
sad.
sorry. i'm going to go over here and cry in a corner. and then i'll get over it. you know me. i'll push on anyway.
...they kind of already have.
what i mean by this is, at age 35 i am expected by my society to have gotten all of my learning done. what i am now is what i always will be. if a 22 year old goes into an audition and fits the bill but doesn't have a needed technique, the director will weigh the chances of their learning. if i go to an audition, fit the bill, but don't have that same technique, i will be counted as someone who is too old to learn it. example: there is a theatre in town that i admire looking for apprentices. even though i had no thought of going out for the apprenticeship, it was made clear to me that it wasn't for me anyway...because it's for "those of education age." meaning: you're too old to start new things or brush up on techniques you've let go on the wayside. you have been packaged. you stay where you are. your chance to do something has come and gone; we're going to give the chances to people who haven't even started yet.
and this is the saddest thing of all for me. not that i'll never be as pretty as i was at 24 or getting back down to 130lbs again will never happen. it isn't that i know i am stuck with back and knee problems for the rest of my life and keeping myself in shape will become much harder and i will get tired earlier in the day. it doesn't sadden me that i have fewer days on earth or that my days until grey hair #1 and definite lines come around. i can work with that.
what hurts most is being barred from learning. or being laughed at because of wanting to. sure. i mean. nobody's stopping me from sitting down and learning new facts, new musical instruments, new skills in carpentry or baking or a number of personal, individual pursuits. but when it comes to a place in the community...well. with my monetary profession--office work--i realize that i will forever be stuck at this payscale and nobody will be willing to take a chance on me in some very related but creative position. when it comes to my heart's profession--acting--i was supposed to have gotten all of my training before age 30 and then the door was to be shut on me, despite the constant barrage of acting advice that tells us we have to keep improving. you know. as if i am now set in my groove and cannot possibly grasp new technique or skills or styles.
me. who loves the capacity of the human heart to learn. who feeds off of newness and forward momentum. who does not measure life by what i have accomplished but what i have left to discover.
i have just seen my capacity to discover shortened dramatically in ratio to my want to discover.
sad.
sorry. i'm going to go over here and cry in a corner. and then i'll get over it. you know me. i'll push on anyway.
