![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
smacking the panic baby to the ground.
Sep. 2nd, 2010 11:55 amit's that time again: panic countdown. i'm trying not to pay attention to it, since it hits about this time every show. it's that, "holy crap, we're opening in little over a week and how the fk is everything going to come together????" but it always does. always always always.
only this time, it isn't a general wash of flow/spacing/arc whathaveyou. i can't even tell you the wonderful choices everyone is making, and the technical beauties our designers are pulling forth from their loins, or the pacing and fun carin has allowed in. this time it's me. it's all me. and i feel selfish saying so. but it is.
to say this role is a challenge is like saying pike's peak is a pretty little hill. and i've been batting that fact aside. people have been coming up to me for months, "you're kate?" "you're playing kate?" "that's one hell of a role," "i can't wait to see what you do with it." and that's all flattering and all, but it's a lot of pressure. and i keep turning away from that pressure, because i don't allow myself to operate that way. i can't worry about what has come before me, only what i can bring and how i rise to the role. i keep batting it to the ground like a baby.
"because when someone throws you a baby, you bat it to the ground. they're just trying to distract you because they want to give you stuff. like pamphlets and shit. YOU SMACK IT TO THE GROUND."
and yet i did that thing for the first time in years where i came home and wept all over the place and moaned that "i'm not good enough for this." which of course led to belgian chocolate gelatto. which of course led to taking a breath and thinking. and then to picking myself up out of that emotional heap, taking in all the surroundings, and using them to point my way out of the labyrinth of self-loathing.
and now that i've finally got THAT out of my system, it's time to screw the pins down.
and yet...let go.
if spring can come to kate, it can come to me as well. watch how i blossom. and kick your ass right off.
bring it.
only this time, it isn't a general wash of flow/spacing/arc whathaveyou. i can't even tell you the wonderful choices everyone is making, and the technical beauties our designers are pulling forth from their loins, or the pacing and fun carin has allowed in. this time it's me. it's all me. and i feel selfish saying so. but it is.
to say this role is a challenge is like saying pike's peak is a pretty little hill. and i've been batting that fact aside. people have been coming up to me for months, "you're kate?" "you're playing kate?" "that's one hell of a role," "i can't wait to see what you do with it." and that's all flattering and all, but it's a lot of pressure. and i keep turning away from that pressure, because i don't allow myself to operate that way. i can't worry about what has come before me, only what i can bring and how i rise to the role. i keep batting it to the ground like a baby.
"because when someone throws you a baby, you bat it to the ground. they're just trying to distract you because they want to give you stuff. like pamphlets and shit. YOU SMACK IT TO THE GROUND."
and yet i did that thing for the first time in years where i came home and wept all over the place and moaned that "i'm not good enough for this." which of course led to belgian chocolate gelatto. which of course led to taking a breath and thinking. and then to picking myself up out of that emotional heap, taking in all the surroundings, and using them to point my way out of the labyrinth of self-loathing.
and now that i've finally got THAT out of my system, it's time to screw the pins down.
and yet...let go.
if spring can come to kate, it can come to me as well. watch how i blossom. and kick your ass right off.
bring it.
