panic! at the disco....deathtrap! on the highway.

tony and jody came to see the show last night. i'm really glad tony
came and i love that jody took the bus down just to see my show!!!
*glee* AND he brought me something he made himself! AND the japanese
import of franz' second album! (includes "your diary" and "fabulously
lazy" and extra insterts!!!)

but. i almost killed him last night.

literally.

i've never been in a car accident. i've had a couple of low low speed
spin-outs and small incidents like the one last night, and i've
learned two things:

1. i am very calm under pressure. the first words i hear in my head
when something goes out of control is "okay. here we go." and i get
very very focused. it's like a pilot comes in and says, "i'll take it
from here, just brace yourself, be ready for anything." because of
this, i've managed never to get hurt or hurt anyone else.

2. my worst fear in the entire world....my own personal hell....the
only thing that could ever produce fear-induced vomit from me is the
thought of hurting or killing a loved one when i was the one behind a
wheel. i've never ever thought of suicide. but i swear that if i
ever killed someone i loved this way...i don't know if i could live
with that.

we hit a pothole on the highway and there was an immediate shift in
the sound and vibration of the car. jody thought the muffler cracked
or fell off. but then i noticed that i was gaining speed and let my
foot off the accelerator. and the car. kept. going. the brake was
tight and did not want to stop the car.

thank god the rain had stopped and the traffic was sparse. i managed
to get us parked, but not without the engine reving to a roar.

first. i thanked god that i hadn't killed jody.
second. i called my dad and explained. i knew he would know what happened.
third. i panicked and called sarah (kurosawa on lj, our stage
manager), worried about how i would get to the theatre tonight.
fourth. i went straight to my apartment and vomited my life into the toilet.
fifth. i went down to david and stephie's to fill my quaking tummy
with pizza and chips.
sixth. the adrennaline wore off and i crashed hard.
seventh. after getting very little sleep, i woke up this morning
crying. after the theft, i'm afraid to leave my car anywhere. now, i
don't know how i will ever feel comfortable driving it again. if one
can merely drive over a pothole and turn your car into a flying
deathtrap, how can any of us survive?

melodramatic, i know. but i have a lot going on right now. this just fried me.

dad thinks i broke an engine mount. he'll be up on saturday to take a
look and possibly repair it. it sounds like something that can be
fixed easily and cheaply. but. that's just a hope. maybe i have
more to worry about than i think.

i'm just glad that i didn't hurt anyone. especially someone i love
very very much

just for future reference for myself: kaiser chiefs' "i predict a
riot" actually makes me feel a little better.