this wing closed due to overusage.

for not the first time, the only things on my mind are ones that i can't possibly express in words.  maybe they're annoying.  maybe they are of no interest to anyone.  maybe they are just too damn personal.  and posting through email does not afford me the luxury of making sure my entry for the day will be private, so if i want to make an in-head entry, it has to be both controled AND cohesive.  good luck.

 

it's time i got to that carl jung book on my shelf.  i think it may help me remember my dreams...that seems to be the case when i read books about them.  i have a feeling in the back of me that says that i may be missing out on some pertinent information at night.  how can i solve my problems/take a mental vacation/quiet my heart if i cannot remember my dreams?  i feel like it would double my life.  that's a very vague way of expressing my feelings.  but that's the gist of it.

 

i appreciate what i have.  i've found that's not a common trait in americans.  we like to bitch about what's not perfect, what we want that we'll never attain....and i do try to be a good little buddhist and sinead emmulator when "i do not want what i haven't got."  but i have my pockets of fetal-position ache for that one bit of perfection that i have the ability to possess, but can't, due to limitations i put upon myself.

 

do i enjoy disappointment?  i don't think i do.  i can't say i've ever been someone who has enjoyed wallowing or pity.  i wonder if i'm wrong.  i think i know myself.  and i think i could have what i need if i could only dream and sort through a few things.

 

a couple of months back i had a conversation with a friend about how i have this feeling that something is about to happen and change things.  like damocles' sword...only good.  so, maybe, like damocles' pie then.  (wouldn't THAT be wonderful?  waiting for the goodness of crust and filling to fall about you in a sticky storm?  *^_^*)  and i have this picture in my mind of myself, hands in pockets, head down, walking around in tight circles, like i do when i'm on the phone.  and there's this something hanging, and the cords are fraying.

 

and what if those cords never break?  it's all well and good to have instincts.  and i know that pie is up there.  (i can smell it.  it's coconut creme.)  but whether it falls or not....all i can do is wait.  maybe if i had super-secret powers and could talk to rodents, then i could tell squirrels to get up there and start chewing through that cord.  (hell.  if i could talk to rodents, i'd get rico to stop eating paint and plastic.  little shit.)  but i don't have super-secret powers of talking to rodents.  maybe i could...in a dream.  but not here in reality.  and i don't dream.

 

but i do, it seems, live life in my head a bit too much.  i should just section off this portion of my brain altogether.  *closes ornately carved double doors of the "philosophy" sector*  and maybe these too.....*walks up to portal to the "heart" sector*  oh.  can't.  they're revolving doors....poo.