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here is whimsey amber. whimsey amber pretty much runs the show. she works hard to make sure that all the other ambers and the people around her actually do that nauseating thing where they do not take anything for granted, they really see everything for what it really is and not just as the majority sees it, and that they laugh as much as possible. she walks around in a t-shirt that says, "remember that you are going to die, so enjoy your life. it is beautiful and hilarious."

compassion amber is besties with whimsey amber. it's gross when they go out together. she's always kind of there, wallflowering it until she's needed. then she quietly steps forward, says her piece whether it's wanted or not, and goes back into her corner. fkn hell, she loves happy tears. pansy.

here is fury amber. she is a beast. there is always wind around her, blowing up her hair, and fire plays at her fingertips. she has a glare that can melt iron and a tongue that can slice hearts in two. the other ambers really try to keep her sleeping, but once she's up and out, none of them can control her. once her reign is done, the others usually have to suck it up and do some damage control.

hearthurt amber will usually drive herself to solitude. not too many outsiders get to know her and she tries not to come around too often. she knows she is not really welcome and she's a disappointment to rocket science amber. whimsey and compassion generally put her to sleep and try to keep her there.

rocket science amber is modest and quiet, but not particularly shy. in public, she will generally only step forward beside whimsey amber when having to present a public face, but she mostly works behinds the scenes. she is the problem solver, the inventor, the creator, the workaholic, and is the the true tastemaker of all of my heart's desires. she doesn't really understand her true powers, but it doesn't keep her from using them confidently.

and then there is the residual amber. this is the one that has been created by the society around her, picked from the worst pieces of the people she loves. the one that gives into gossip. the one that judges others. the one that enjoys comeuppances. most of the others would be happy if she just left. if she turns up, one of the other ambers usually steps in and takes over, because they all know that any of them at their worst is a better personality than residual amber at her best. but she is still part of the family. and while compassion amber does not like her, she persuades the others to show her grace as long as she lives. after all. nobody--and no amber--is perfect.
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i would have to choose between michelle williams, kate winslet, or jim broadbent. really. i'd like to see what it would look like to have a very tall, older, british man play myself. i'm not even trying to be funny. i want to see that.

the plot would be strictly compartmentalized into three acts:
act one: my freshman year of college
act two: korea year two
act three: 2010.

and no forwarding information in between acts. just confusion. there's a lot of really fked up material there to work with. jim jarmusch would have to direct.
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when given a chance to think big on a limited scale, i like to keep my goals modest. come back and ask me again when we're traveling the entire galaxy.
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i am. me. i am the best james bond.
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"can't buy me love." it may not have been the happiest of all times ever ever ever, but it's up there. dancing with andy knowles is so much fun it should be illegal.

speaking of andrew fucking knowles, let's revisit the happiest of videos:

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skiing. in a way, i already have. i love swimming and biking too much. i don't do a lot of hiking, but i love to walk and i wouldn't want to turn down the chance to do so just because the terrain was rough, broken, or a big ol' chinese wall.

but skiing...i used to do. however, i'm not very GOOD at it and have taken a lot of spectacular falls in my time. one of them over a monstrous jump. even though i have been lucky in my life not to break something, it's only a matter of time. and once i took up theatre, i had to let that one go. i just can't spend 6 weeks in a cast or risk injuring myself so badly that i wouldn't be able to do certain movements again. no. skiing is and always has been the one to go.
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brownies, tacos, and the dreams of takashi murakami.
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i am assuming this is beyond clothing, swimwear, money, and toiletries.

a book. i would take a book, obviously. who wouldn't take a book?

my ipod. because i don't exist properly without it.

my boyfriend. i like my alone time, but for a whole week? might as well share some good times. and there are parts of my back i can't reach that need sunblock.

my camera. good times call for pictures. whether you like it or not.

a notebook. all that downtime and no computer distraction? i could seriously get shit done.

a lonely planet book on the area. i know i already said book. that was for pleasure reading. this is for finding good food and local treasures. and no, this isn't six items, it's five. my boyfriend is not an item. he is a boy.

another book. there. that's six. now you can complain.
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"heart to tell" by the love language

this is a single i found through BUST mag. that drum line leading into the chorus gets me like crazy.

"say hey (i love you)" by michael franti & spearhead

i've said it before, and i'll say it again: if this song doesn't put a bounce in you, you are probably dead inside.

"the magic position" by patrick wolf

if there was any song that is frontrunner to be my wedding march someday, this is it.

"ca plane pour moi" by plastic bertrand
(can't embed a good copy of it, sorry). you've heard it. you know what it is. now you know its name.

"love train" by the o'jays

i'm sorry to people that i go out in public with. i will ALWAYS stop whatever i'm saying and start dancing to this. and i will solve the koan for you: yes. if "love train" plays in target and there are no friends around to dance with her, she will do it alone. it has been proven.

"man in motion (theme from st. elmo's fire)" by john parr

this song is the reason i cannot listen to the radio at work, because it will stop me in my tracks, much like the dude on the "desperado" episode of seinfeld.

"papa loves mambo" by perry como

so. much. retro. cheese.

"astro" by the aprils

when i have to pump myself up for something, i go to the aprils first.
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no. there's a reason why "once a cheater, always a cheater" is a known phrase. they don't stop. be it emotional or sexual, it's the trill of the secret and chase and the grass is always greener for them and all that. they will always fall for the next high. if you've come to an arrangement where you're monogamous, cheating then becomes a lie. and if they've lied to you, you're obviously not important enough to them. your heart is such a wonderful thing; why give it to someone that doesn't fully appreciate it?

there is nothing that would change my mind. people don't change. and neither does my stance on cheaters.
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"all of the things in here that sound completely effed up is the true stuff and all the rest is lies."


"i once dreamed i rode a giraffe."


"the life and times of the duchess: i made this all by myself."


"i don't want to make dinner; i'm having cheese instead."


"this will all end in disaster. and pie."
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first of all, can i pick another season? how about spring? because, you see, i wouldn't miss fringe fest here for anything. and i love minnesota fall. i might be coerced into leaving for the winter...but only if i was heading to italy or spain, which are on the high end of the list and in warmer locations.

but for some mysterious reason, i am being pulled to scandinavia, and that is too north for winter. spring. late spring.

oh hells. this won't work at all. i don't want to leave for a season. a month at most. i love traveling more than ice cream...but i like it here. i would miss it.

*sigh* thanks, lj, for reminding me that it will be another couple of years before i can afford/rack up PTO for a larger-afield walkabout. *finger*
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sometimes, when i can't think of an answer to the question of the day, i just don't answer it.

sometimes, when i'm bored and can't think of an answer to the question of the day, i read other people's responses.   today i found one that i think is charming and delightful:


fk you, beth.  fk you indeed.  you know what you did in your ass lace.
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well, i think we all know that morgan freeman is the man for this job.
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there are plenty of zombie movies, and zombies are what scare me the most.

but second-most? shadow people.

while nobody i know has ever experienced a real walking undead, people experience shadow people all the time. much like ghosts, they can be explained as hallucinations or optical illusions or whathaveyou. but my argument is, sometimes you see them. in life. and that's the facts. and it scares the shit out of you.

however. there are also watchers (my own terminology). watchers are benevolent shadow people. they mean you no harm, and in fact, may be there to help.

i have had an experience or two with shadow people. the ones that you catch leaving. so fast, there probably wasn't anything there. it probably WAS a trick of my eyes and therefore not a true encounter of any sort.

but i have seen the watchers.

it was when i was in the oak grove. if there was ever a place ghosts or supernatural things would be drawn to, it's that place. it's old, has tons of dramatic history, and the people who lived there were interesting and accepting. things happened there often that i couldn't really explain, like walking through a column of scented air in my apartment, the dogs in the next apartment that would bark when my computer desk shook on its own, or the day 3 of my pictures fell throughout the day...the third one i actually watched tip slowly away from the wall first.

i am not dead set on the existence of ghosts. i just notice when things like this happen. i've seen it a lot, in different places i've lived. as far as i'm concerned, if ghosts do exist, they are much like cockroaches...a pest you live with until they get so overwhelming you have to call in professionals. and i've not had to call anyone yet.

anyhow. one night i woke up. (i know i was awake--i can tell the difference between dream and reality after the fact.) it wasn't a jolt; there wasn't any jumping or increase in heart speed. but the change from being completely asleep to sober and awake was instant and matter of fact. i was laying on my side facing the window in the dark, and i knew that there was a reason i was awake...that something was in my room. i could feel eyes on my back.

but what is odd about this, is that i didn't feel afraid or apprehensive. kind of like when a family member comes into the room and you didn't exactly see or hear it, but you know they're there. so i turned over. and there were the watchers.

there were about 5 or 6 of them, standing randomly around the room. blacker than black. living in the city, there is always a faint glow that comes through the windows, and if you've been in the dark a while, this glow throws enough light that you can see pretty well. but these figures were so dark, it was if they sucked in all the light from around them, or from the space they were occupying. and they were simply standing. and watching.

one of them was very close to my bed. not bending over me or anything, maybe a couple of feet away, as if it knew that too much proximity would scare me. and when i saw them, they didn't scatter like shadow people are supposed to do. they stood still, although i remember one back and to the right of the closest one shift a little, as if from one foot to another.

i didn't look long. maybe two full seconds, enough to blink once or twice. i remember giving a sigh, and turning back over, and saying, "not now, okay?" and going back to sleep--not as instantly as i'd woken up, but with one breath, and then two, and then sinking slowly back in.

the next morning i came out of sleep gradually and opened my eyes, staring at the ceiling. and i remembered exactly what i had seen. in the light of day, it gave me the shivers. but i never feared going to sleep. and i never saw them again.

although i have felt them watching a few times.

i don't know who they are, or what they want. but i wasn't afraid of them. i know for certain it wasn't a dream, but i have entertained the heavy possibility that it was a trick of my mind. and yet, i can't think what would have caused me to see something so plainly and know for certain that i wasn't in danger. the visit hadn't come at a time of stress or after a heavy meal, i'm not prone to hallucination or sleep deprivation. it wasn't a threatening thing, so i'm not in any hurry to prove it into fiction, but neither do i need to justify it as real. if they are, they mean no harm. the way that i was woken...sometimes i think about it and wonder if it wasn't purposeful. like they needed me to see them, or like they wanted me to know they were there. maybe i was being protected or studied. i don't know. but it's okay either way. i am fine with allowing it to be a mystery, something in between. a memory.

anyhow. this doesn't really answer the question. the monster movie would include shadow people. but they wouldn't be the ones doing the harm. in the beginning, when the main character first starts seeing them, they would seem threatening. but in the end, they would turn out to be helpful. kind of like the kids in the orphanage.

and the moral of the story? that you not be afraid. just because the nature and purpose of the unknown isn't clear doesn't make it malignant. and whether they are real or invented by your mind, they are there. sometimes there are forces beyond your understanding that don't give you answers.

you are not alone.
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this is a no-brainer.

i need my cell for work, theatre, and potential family crisis. (also, my car is old, and who knows when it will break for good and i need to call a tow.)

i did go almost all of last week without my ipod. however, i keep a supply of tapes in the car for just such an occasion. music keeps me awake in the car. when i'm down, it cheers me up and keeps me from sinking lower. when in a happy mood, i can get the spaz out by singing and/or dancing. i could go without it for a week, no problem. but i don't really want to.

tv, then, is my answer. for i regularly go without. in fact, i don't ever watch tv in real time. and i never have more than about 5 or 6 shows that i watch in any given season. i watch everything online...sometimes i save it all up during the week and watch it on the weekends anyway. wait. does that count? or is that more "internet" than "tv?" if so...i've gone without tv for years.
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it's funny that this question came up today. because i just started using stumbleupon, and it directed me to this picture:

i've been here. april, 2002. this is ta prohm, in siem reap, cambodia, among the ankor wat temples. i've stood in this very spot. i probably have the same picture from the same angle, although slightly less composed and possibly grainier.

and i think of these jungle trees whenever i read the little prince and his baobab problems...although i know that baobabs look nothing like the cambodian creepers. but they root and take over all the same.

but for my own little planet...i kind of think of my room that way. my own little space where i keep all of my favorite things. so perhaps my planet would be like that on one side, full of warm places and bookshelves. maybe a puppet theater. i think on one side there would be a jungle with shitloads of brightly colored flowers and a temple like ta prohm. or maybe one like wat phra kaew, with all the smooth tile and gold that warms up in the sun and is nice on bare feet. maybe it would just be a planet full of amazing buildings, because i'd like a venetian piazza and an irish abbey too. can you imagine? a little planet full of beautiful places that you can stroll around in barefoot and sing? without any people around? yes please.

but if you ever go to ta prohm, don't stroll around barfoot. there are fire ants. believe me. i found out the hard way.
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well. there are two full sets of harry potter. a set of laura ingalls wilder. a set of jane austen. lots of japanese writers. a couple about zombies. a fair few lit anthologies and theatre books.

first of all, if you're allowed into my room where my bookshelves are, you already probably know me very well. secondly, if you already know me well, my bookshelves will only draw from you the conclusion that i am exactly the person you thought i was.
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when i think about romance, i'm not so impressed by ballads. don't get me wrong, the sentiment expressed in a ballad can be really lovely. but i'm first attracted when boys can laugh at themselves, embrace the kickass moments in life, and share them with me. that's why i still say "crash the party" by ok go is my favorite love song.

lyrics )

however. if we're looking for a summation, a song that engenders what the majority of my romantic life has been up to this point, "when will i be loved" is pretty close.

lyrics )

and then there's "i'm a broken heart" by the bird and the bee, which sounds really melancholy and maudlin, but i have to admit that i have gone through enough of these moments in my long stretches of aloneness to make it true and keep me from leaving the house....

lyrics )

but for the moment, i turn to kate nash's "merry happy." not so much for the literal translation of the verses, but the emotional sentiment is spot-on. and the chorus is a little bit acceptance, a little bit celebration, a little bit reminder to be happy no matter what.

lyrics )



January 2015



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