so i go into the restroom to get rid of a solid mass in my bowelries. and there's this girl in there on the cellphone. not in the stalls. she's just standing at the mirror by the door, yakking, nagging at a man.

so i go into the stall and flush, hoping that she'll be embarrased that the other person can tell she's in a restroom. nope. keeps yakking.

how rude. i won't shy away from pooping when there are other ladies in the restroom, but there's something very rude about anyone who sticks around while another lady is going if they have no reason to be in the restroom. you know what i'm talking about. the girl who takes her time preening or the one that waits for you to crap so that you'll leave and she can crap alone. if you're there to drop waste, drop it and get out. it isn't a parlor. it isn't a phonebooth. and it sure as hell isn't your home toilet. this is not a cool place to hang out because we're not in high school any more, we're in a flippin' buisness building. if you want to talk on your cellphone, there's a whole big world out there...some of the hallways are even deserted.

so i just went ahead with my dump. and it was a multi-plopper. audible. she keeps talking. i flush. she keeps talking. i wash. she keeps talking. i walk past, and she's at the mirror by the door, preening her eyelashes and yakking as i give her the stinkeye on the way out.

i know most people already understand this, but i'm going to do my part and spell it out for those that may not: NOBODY WANTS TO LISTEN TO YOU TALK ON YOUR CELLPHONE. EVER. not in the restroom or the theatre or the resturant or the checkout line. (it floors me how many people buy things while they're talking on the phone. this is abhorrent. gabe does it to me when i'm talking to him and it makes me cringe. at least he puts me on hold.) hell, it's even awful to listen to someone yak on their phone when you're OUTSIDE, because people on their cells outside talk louder and generally aren't paying attention. so they're on my heels, YELLING into the back of my head. i've almost put a fist through a few throats on the way home.

this is because it's the american way of doing two things at once. and if you don't care enough to take your cell to a quiet area where you're not bothering people, if you don't care about the people around you at all...well. congratulations. you just got your ugly-american citizenship. hope you enjoy being one of the privileged-yet-highly-inconsiderate people. praise bush and fuck off! and death to the bathroom/cellphone girl!!!!



January 2015



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