And the crew continues to grow.
The SLUTTY WHORE: Fastest ship in these waters, yar. (And yes, “fastest” IS being used as a double entendre.) Full round of cannons, except the last one on the starboard side, which was recently made into a novelty bong and sold to buy Laurie’s birthday present (you gounna love, these pants, Sassy!) DVD library aboard, including “Pirates of the Caribbean”, “Peter Pan”, “Hook,” “Goonies”, “Voyages of Sinbad”, “Treasure Island”, and “Amelie”.
Amber, Pirate Queen: (That’s me.) Captain, organizer of the monthly pool, and equal opportunity employer. Also runs under the alias “Duchess of Pie” so that she may sneak into court, bet on horses, and keep a modest online journal.
Laurie, Dread Pirate Sassypants: First mate, Keeper of the Keys to Johnny’s private deluxe brig-of-keeping, charge of stereotypical pirate punishments, tutor of sea-talk, and wearer of the sassiest pantaloons. If any of the crew is found to have sassier pantaloons than Dread Sassypants, they shall be taken off and given to her while doing a hat-dance that will not stop until Dread Pirate Sassypants deems it so. Rations out all booty, except Popsicles, which I generally catch her hording all for herself. All calls shall be relayed through her, no exceptions.
Maidenhead Mandy: Evil and deranged mermaid who has tied herself to the prow. There she not only serves as Lookout, but screams and gnashes her teeth and throws pieces of the SLUTTY WHORE at approaching ships, thereby instilling fear and lowering the morale of our enemies. Although most hands have rank above her, she answers to no one, not even myself, and serves us of her own free, though demented, will.
Laura, Lady Thirdplank Portside: Charge of Monkey Quarters and newly appointed Monthly Buddy-Check Scheduler. The breast-checker appointment is just to keep her occupied until we can get a monkey in the Monkey Quarters (now taking applications). Other important duties include: challenging my decisions and poking prisoners that have been tied to the mast. Often found doing unauthorized calculus, but I usually turn a blind eye if her shenanigans actually help in getting us un-lost. (Which they almost always do.) So… guess that would also make her Chief Navigator…pending her review on the breast-check thing. She’s also a loyal snitch. So, look out for that, mutineers. Thanks to her, I still have my command…especially since she not only starts most of the mutinies, she also rats on herself and helps me nip it in the bud.
Dragonladee: Principal Marauder. Her skills in swinging aboard innocent ships and cutting though masses of flesh are so admired by the crew that she is given free reign of the ship with all the time she desires to hone her pillaging skills. In the mean time, she enjoys squatting under the stairs below deck, smoke rolling generously from her nostrils as she works on completing her transformation into a fire-breathing dragon. Her only other task is feeding Maidenhead Mandy (who would otherwise go hungry because the rest of the crew is scared shitless of her). Should we acquire any men in our crew, the Dragonladee would also be Enforcer of Punishments regarding neglect of the oh-so-important “down position” toilet rule.
Kelly, Dame Bloomy Nichols: Yell Monger and Morale Booster. Here on the SLUTTY WHORE, we play to our strengths, and Bloomy has requested her skills in hollering be put to good use. The most reluctant of our crew, she rarely involves herself in raids, preferring to stay aboard and be winsome. Her main task is to follow me around, looking unbearably cute in her striped pirate gear and be my megaphone. All orders will be screamed though her so as to protect my voice and use hers to its genetic advantage. She will also be designing our new sails and not taking any of my shit. Stand-up comedy will take place on deck every other Saturday, attendance mandatory. Except for Maidenhead, who will still be lashed to the prow and shitting all over the hull.
Positions still available. when responding to this post, please use appropriate pirate line in your heading to avoid confusion with nothing in particular.