well...last night i finally got a rejection letter from that interview. i knew it was coming, but i had expected it a week ago. i mean, the interview went really really well...but, according to the email, they interviewed over 60 people. over 60 people? for what amounts to be a glorified receptionist job? call it sour grapes, but that's too much anal for me. lucky for me on my escape. bah. it takes too long for USC to make decisions. as of today, i'm taking matters into my own hands.

gabe had an interview at CBS yesterday for an internship, so i got to drive him into the lot. boy, was that rock star. he was so excited, bless him. and i really hope he gets it. he went in a little less prepared than i thought he would, but it seemed alright. i can't believe how many things he has going on. he's already got a good internship, and then there's thesis meetings, his writers groups, his job at the writing office and the other at the library, his pilots, his spec scripts, his film project on jordan....i am starting to feel very very very worthless in comparison. i have moments of intense wonder how he could possibly love me. i get angry at myself for that.

reading about the iveys was a little rough this morning. i don't want to be taken the wrong way...i LOVE hearing about everything back home and it's exciting to hear about everyone's plans. all of my friends are so talented and putting their skills to good use, and when my friends are happy, i'm overfknjoyed! but i can't help being a little selfish and wishing... i don't know. not that i was there, so much, but that i had something--anything--to be as excited about. or involved in. i miss being around people. i miss being known by more than one person in a city. i miss having somewhere to go and something to do that i'm involved in and not just going there because my boyfriend is taking pity on me and getting me out of the house. i miss having a LIFE.

i know i can't be expected in two month's time to be successful and brilliant and have a local friend base in a new town--especially THIS town. even gabe felt out of place for the first year, and he was accepted to a school. but some days are an eternity of heaviness. and i realize that i need to start developing a new attitude or i will sink in self-pity here.

that's it. i'm going into apple one today. and ajilon tomorrow. i will get some work if it kills me and i will get some cashflow so i can start getting out of the house. i've hit rock bottom on the depression front--well, as bottom as i will allow myself to go. this is ridiculous. i know better than to let myself steep.



January 2015



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