so here's my plan. you want a driver's license? amber proposes a fail-safe, 5 step plan. if at any step you should fail, your test is over, you do not get to go on to the next step. and there are no do-overs. you must review this step at ages 30, 40, 50, 55, 60 and then every year afterward that you plan to be a driver. once you fail, you're done forever. take the bus.

1. the screener.
you are put in a room with a very serious looking person holding a clipboard and making marks against you. on the table in front of you is one of those children's toys where you put the square block in the square hole and the round block in the round hole et cetera. you are given no instruction and no "begin" time. you are allowed as much time as it takes. the very serious person will not speak to you and if you become irritated with this, you fail. if you put the wrong block in the wrong hole, you fail. if you show any failure to maintain self-composure, you fail. this will weed out the simple retards.

2. the agressor.
you are put in a room with a rubick's cube or other impossible puzzle. you are given 5 minutes to solve it. you are observed by a child who asks you irritating questions which you must answer. if you break a sweat, you fail. if you begin to shake, you fail. if you show the child annoyance or impatience in the slightest, you fail. and you fail absolutely if you throw the damn thing (the cube, not the child. if you throw the child, you go to jail and never set eyes on a car again). if you do not solve the puzzle but remain composed, you may move on. if you solve the puzzle AND remain composed, you may skip directly to step 5. this weeds out even the slightly impatient.

3. the good samaritan.
you are hooked up to a lie detector and asked questions of law and morality. there are pre-determined questions you may or may not pass in order to keep going. this weeds out the bastards that pull out in front of you, won't let you in, or hit and run.

4. the problem solver.
you take a standardized, written i.q. test. these tests are designed to measure intelligence in the way of problem solving. anyone under a certain i.q. fails. you're not born smart enough? too bad. this is not discrimination, it's preventative procedure. lives will be saved. i don't want a stupid person operating on me, filing my taxes, or driving within 10 miles of me. and neither does anyone else.

5. basic operation.
you and a driving judge take a spin around the lot, weave a couple of cones, back up, do a hard-break. 5 minutes tops. just to make sure you can drive a vehicle. it's the least important thing, really.

sounds harsh. and silly. amber loves to make 'em laugh. but think about it. sure, it would be damn tough to pass the test and the driving population would be low low low. but now, stupid and irratable people would have to befriend well-balanced, intellegent people in order to get a ride, and they'd learn something. more people would carpool and ride the bus, creating less pollution, traffic, irritation and accidents. we'd have to stop fucking fighting for oil 'cause we'd use less.

and concidering that death by car is one of the most popular ways of dying, think of the drop in death toll. think of the people we'll save. normally i'd say, let the stupid people drive, let them kill themselves. but they never kill themselves, do they. they kill kids they're not seeing cause they're watching their portable dvd. they kill mothers on the way home from work cause they're weaving in and out of traffic to save a whole minute at the light. they kill college kids by the car-full because they believe that, no matter how tired they are, they'd never fall asleep at the wheel.

yeah, i had to drive to work today.



January 2015



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