because they were only 99 cents, i bought a 24 pack of crayons. they're sitting on my desk now. i haven't used them. every once in a while i pick up the box and hold it a bit (i like the shape and weight of the box and the fact that it holds little sticks of color), open it up, run my fingers along the tops of the crayons, maybe pick one out and look at it.

they are unexpectedly special little things. part nostalgia, part useful, pretty in a simple way. smaller than we remember; elegant and easily breakable. fearlessly owning just. one. hue. each. completely charming.

on a slow day i have perused amazon for coloring books. i can't really decide on one. but i will. it's payday.

it makes me a little sad...i don't think i'm a good enough artist to draw with them, just color in shapes. i suppose if i played enough something would come out. if i were ever a visual artist, i would like my medium to be crayon. crayon on paper, crayon on wood, crayon on pebbles. crayon on whatever it would stick on.

it is very unsung in visual art, the crayon. i think the closest is pastels.... as if the crayolas aren't fancy enough. it's not art if you don't spend a million dollars on supplies. pfft. ego. imagine what davinci would have done with these things. or van gogh.

when i am old an eccentric, i think i will keep a pack in my purse and just color on things if i can. maybe i should start now.
guys. do not underestimate my thing for unicorns. i love the shit out of them. i love the "horse with horn" variety with a ton of irony, but i love the "small deer-like creature with a lion's tail and beard" for real. if something has a unicorn on it, i'm either going to love it because it lives in my heart or because i find it hilarious. no unicorn is a bad unicorn in amberland.

so when fashionably geek posted these shirts today:
http://fashionablygeek.com/t-shirts/in-case-you-needed-a-really-intense-unicorn-t-shirt/
i had to write to sarah and bethany.

you see, i took care of their cats while they were in atlanta at dragon con. and sarah texted me from the con floor, telling me she might get me a t shirt and for me to pick a genre. "star wars? harry potter?"

unicorns, i said.

and sarah called me later, hesitatingly, explaining that they indeed found unicorn shirts, but they were being sold by broom-skirted, long-braided renaissance faire girls, and that they were SERIOUS. and i said, "yes. buy the shirt." and she kept trying to talk me out of it, doubtful that i would wear it. "buy the shirt. buy the damn unicorn shirt." but... "BUY IT. I PROMISE YOU I WILL WEAR IT."

in the end, there were nothing but xxfatty sizes, so they brought me home a star wars t shirt which was just as snazzy.

but when i saw the shirts up yonder, i emailed sarah this morning.

me: were the unicorn shirts you saw at dragon con as serious as these? because these are fucking awesome.

sarah: YES. these look amazingly similar to what we saw.

me: and you called me to see if i'd really be serious about them.

......

let me make it clear...when it comes to amber + unicorns, you can do no wrong. NO. WRONG.
okay okay okay, what.

so my computer is having issues again. it may need to be replaced. so here i am, pricing laptops. i thought maybe i can get something cheap for now and then buy a mac when my loan is paid off and i can afford one. but now? i'm not so sure.

i don't need a lot in a computer, so i generally check out the cheapest model. the simplest macbook is $999!????!! really???? listen.
the screen is only 11.6"
it has a laughable 64GB hard drive (that's only twice my ipod)
1.7GHz???? the processor isn't even 2GHz! (my NETBOOK is dual-core 2.2!!!)
battery life is 5 hours.

OR, for $545, i can get a PC laptop
with a 14" display
500GB hard drive
a minimum 2.4GHz processor
with up to 9 hours battery life.

wtf, apple? i mean, sure, i ended up getting a computer that cracked under 3 years of pressure (albeit it is one faulty and easily replacable thing)and i know apples are heartier. but in order to get an apple that matched the specs of that PC? i'd have to spend $1800. i don't care what anyone says, there is no excuse in the world that will justify more than a thousand dollars extra for the same thing.

and then there's the mac mini. with all these specs for a good $599. this is more reasonable and calms my ire a bit. if i can still use my beautiful HP monitor, keyboard and mouse, and there is a program available that is compatible with publisher....we may have a deal.

horizons

Nov. 13th, 2012 10:33 am
the videos came out today! hooray!

________________

Megan, Kristina, and Amber perform a dance piece to Jules Nyquist’s poem “Horizons” for word/move.

word/move was a festival of movement and dance pieces set to poems hosted by Sandbox Theatre at the Southern during their run of Beatnik Giselle.

word/move performed on Saturday, October 20, 2012.

Our blurb from the program:

“The Winding Sheet Outfit is a group of theatre artists that got together to make a Fringe production this summer and had a pretty good time with it. These three ladies are a part of that group. Megan Campbell Lagas is a company member of Sandbox Theatre, Kristina Fjellman has appeared in past Sandbox productions, and Amber Bjork has participated in Sandbox’s LAB offerings. They like the challenge of new things, of new stories, and of new roles. For this piece, Megan also composed and played the piano piece, Kristina also designed costumes, and Amber also showed up on time.”

i have begun down the road of undoing what i have been doing to myself for a while. for most of the year, i've been sleeping in late, not making food for myself, eating out, going over budget, living sedentary, and putting ungood things in me. because when you eat out, there are actually very few options out there for being healthy. i mean, that's why people eat out in the first place, right? to get something yummy and fatty and therefore UNGOOD FOR YOU.

eating like this for so long has many consequences. my clothes are tighter. my reflection is dumpier. my wallet is thinner. i've forgotten how to really like real food.

so i'm plunging. went to the global market and bought real food. cabbage, lettuce, avacado, lemon, raspberries, goat cheese, couscous, bananas, dried pineapple. this, paired with what i already have at home, will be good enough for now. and sarah has some cookies on the counter...i know better than to go cold turkey.

not as smart on the exercise part though. been working out...but i was a bit too enthusiastic on my first day back and kind of made myself ill. took it easier last night.

trying to drink more water. realizing that coffee and tea are a valid part of liquid intake.

now to work on sleep. i should sleep more. BUT I LIKE READING AND VIDEO GAMES AND THE INTERNET TOO MUCH. however, i am trying to remedy this by making sleep just as fun and seeing if i can't train myself to have lucid dreams. so far, i've been remembering my dreams more, so that's a plus. although, all i learned from last night's dream is that i spent way too much of my evening playing skyrim. but i'm not complaining; any more time in skyrim is good time, even if it's only in my head.
i have a night off tonight.

i kind of want to play video games. but i promise to work out first. i promise. it will be hard. but i need it.

but i also need video games.
sharknado.

this is a thing.

VICTORIOUS!

Nov. 5th, 2012 12:36 pm
i lived in bed this weekend and bucked a rather nasty cold. and from this i learned that bedrest DOES hasten recovery AND it is possible to have too much rest and netflix.

also. fucking with your center of gravity for three days puts a strain on your back muscles and your bowel movements.

thought you should know.
i need to exercise more. it seems like all i hear nowadays is that a sedentary lifestyle will KILL YOU DEAD. we all know this. and for all my busyness, one could hardly call me sedentary.

except that i am.

i sit all day at work. i sit in my car on my commute. that's like, 10 hours of sitting a day right there. and 6 hours of sleeping. and many nights i go and sit in a theatre or at home on projects or work. i need to get moving. my body's getting really angry with me. and it's getting kind of dumpy.

i'm not really sure how to make time though. seriously. it was so much easier when i lived close enough for a half-hour walk to work, then i could get an hour in each day on foot. but i feel like i can't possibly find an hour to work out anymore. maybe once or twice a week, and surely some weekends, but seriously. when am i supposed to do this?

the only thing i can think of is to walk during lunch. and that means cutting out books. because that's the only time i get to read. dammit. i can't win here.
i have been alone here for upwards of 10 days. i'm not really sure, since i am watchless and winter at the bottom of the world is a constant darkness. the wind howls and throws scraping flakes of ice against the cabin walls. outside, the ice storm is blinding. i shouldn't have wandered.

i only use the lantern on the lowest wick. there aren't many matches and i'm not familiar with this old style to be able to check how much fuel is left. but when i slosh it a little, i can tell there isn't much.

the old explorers left behind cans of meat; spam and ox, mostly. i had to open them with a knife. i'm not sure if they're still good. i can't remember if things in cans are good forever or if botulism is still a thing. the meat smells like rot, but i've never eaten meat from a can before. perhaps that is normal.

just a moment. something is knocking.

it's gone now.

every few hours--by estimation--something knocks at the door. i don't ever answer it. i keep still, i keep the lantern on the lowest setting. i watch the door handle, a glint of brass in the dark.

i wandered and the ice storm rose up with a wind i thought was only a singular gust. but then it never died. i was lucky to find the cabin--very, very lucky. i can ride out the storm here. the base isn't far, and when there is a little calmness, i will be able to see it out of the window, lit up like a tundra spaceship and get to it before the next wave.

at first i thought the knocking was coming from a search party. but the volunteers know not to go out in this. i signed a waiver. they are not obligated to retrieve me. and nobody knows about this cabin. it was never spoken of, it was never seen from the base, even in the summer months. it's been a snow-driven heap for decades.

and why knock? why not just enter?

knocking is a generic word. a word for flesh hitting a barrier, wanting to be let in. knocking has purpose, urgency. usually. not this, though. this "knocking" speaks less of need. this knocking is content to wait. it hints at testing its boundaries. it scratches knowingly, fully aware of what is behind the door. it is circular. there is no lock on the door. the handle though, has never turned. just this...pressing-upon, this voiceless "i know you're there." it goes away. it comes back.

and it always comes back to the door. only the door.

i keep the lantern on the lowest wick possible. but in the tilted dark of the world, a continent shunned by the sun for a season, it is probably a neon arrow.

sometimes there is a song in the wind. buried, like coming out of a memory. simple. the same four long notes. if i hear it over the wind. it proceeds the knocking. sometimes.

this is what i know.

if the storm doesn't die down soon, the lantern will go out. and the song will rise. and the knocking will come. and the door will open. and it will be dark and cold and full of...

the song is rising now.

there is a sign on the wall near the loading door at the base. KEEP THE GHOST LIGHT ON AT ALL TIMES. DO NOT OPEN THIS DOOR IN THE DARK MONTHS. i think...

and there is the knocking. one moment...

it's like a question. yes, i'm here. i'm here and i want to be left alone.

it's gone now.

alone again. just me and the bundle in the corner that i found when i arrived. the dried out hull of a frozen wanderer. it makes sense. nobody knew this cabin was here. these cans of meat are really old. they predate the base. i just make sure the light from the lantern doesn't spill far enough to that corner. he can sit in darkness. he has been sitting in darkness a long time now.

i have chosen my own corner. i can wait a couple more days.
i have nothing on my calendar today. this does not happen often. i am pleased.

i think i may bake tonight. and i must pick up candy for the givings tomorrow. maybe i will sew. i don't know!!! i have no plans!!! let's see what i invent for myself!!! IT'S CRAYYYYZEEEE!!!!

maybe i'll try to push through the last bit of this book.

i just wrote a book report before being done with the book. )
i has a mini-punkin on my desk.

<3
don't think i'm "doing" halloween this year, which i am okay with. i mean, i am in the spirit big time, as i am appreciating the leaf fall and twilight hours and calls of crows. i've been watching a lot of creepy things and reading creepy books and looking forward to creepy stage offerings. and i might throw on a mask and go to a party or two. and i plan to use derek's house to apply candy to bedecked children and then feed myself the remainder of the chocolate.

but i don't have a costume this year. mainly due to time constraints than to anything else. i have one in mind that wouldn't be too hard to piece together, but it would be a piece together job and look it. we'll see if i'm in the mood.

mostly i'm a fan of the atmosphere. i feel that way around christmas too. i like that the world gets creepy and then cozy.

and then the long, cold nights begin.
i may have to go on drugs soon. it seems that i am finding things more and more irritating lately, and suffer a lot more crying attacks. there has been a lot going on lately and i haven't gotten a lot of time to just relax. maybe it's stress. maybe. maybe. but i feel like i am going through a bout of rage on average once a day over my biggest pet peeve ever: miscommunication. or zero communication.

perhaps it is on my mind today because of several snafus in this area on one day. i just suffered a mini-heart attack because of some miscommunication with pro rata, and earlier today i was almost in tears over some managers here at work that don't tell me what i need to do my job and then get mad at me for not doing my job. listen. if you canceled a meeting and need it to be rescheduled for another day, that's fine. but it might behoove you to actually INFORM THE PERSON WHO SCHEDULES THE MEETING. don't come to me the day you wanted the meeting rescheduled and get huffy at me because there's no meeting. there's no meeting because the one person you didn't include on your email to reschedule is me. DUMB. ASSES.

i cannot. deal. with. miscommunication. i seem to be incapable of it without much and many levels of adrenaline and pounding of fists.

and just thinking about this i'm tearing up in frustration. i wonder if i have finally reached that point. my mom went on anti-depressants for her anger issues and my sister certainly cannot function without hers.

i really don't want to be on pills. it makes me sadder than i can even say.

it doesn't help that i had a major, all-day allergy attack yesterday. all day sneezing and swollen and stuffy and fighting...the next day is always akin to a major hangover. headache and tiredness, plus the fleshy almost-bruised feeling of tissue that has been overswollen for too long. i considered calling in. i should have. i really should have.

pull it together. i've got to get through the rest of this day and a dinner date with a new friend. don't give bad impressions. find a better drug than the one the doctor can prescribe. go find a corner and breathe.

please, whatever power is listening, please. don't make me go on meds. don't make me change who i am.
well, my performing adventures seem to be at an end for the year. and that's okay. i celebrated by painting my nails, which i proceeded to ruin at a bonfire last night. oh well. and not like i really have a lot of free time just yet, since i've planned one million and one performances and girldates. it is still busytimes and i will sleep when i'm dead.

currently have a couple of big makes in the works, but they are under lock and key for the time being. can't speak on those for a while. which is frustrating. but exciting.

but really, all i want to do for a month is read, sew, play video games, and make food.
here's the plan. if i see you there, i see you there. on off nights, i will probably be sleeping.

tonight: happy birthday, wanda june @ nimbus
tomorrow: word/move (tech) beatnik giselle @ sandbox
saturday: word/move (as performer) and beatnik giselle (as usher) @ sandbox
monday, 22: chicago avenue project @ pillsbury house
thursday, 25: power point karoke @ theatre arlo
friday, 26: sunday in the park with george @ BCT
saturday, 27: and the things in the walls @ torch after hours
sunday 28: poor nobodys score night of the living dead AND god damned son of a bitch@ TC horror fest
monday, 29: lives of the most notorious highway men @ six elements
thursday, 1: the hobbit @ green T
friday, 2: the odd couple @ black dirt
saturday, 3: four humors' harold @ TC horror fest
tuesday, 6: 44 plays for 44 presidents election night remount @ pro rata
thursday, 9: going to the walker, just because i haven't been in a while
saturday, 11: all-day irrigate project lecture
friday, 16: designer dinner for neighborhood 3.
characters for a wacky love story.

our protagonists: penny ducat and rupee shilling.
the best friend: yen won yuan.
a couple of fuck up brothers: franc and peso drachma.
a dog: baht.

title: can't buy me love. *cymbal crash and break*

downer.

Oct. 15th, 2012 11:10 am
i am finding a lot of things upsetting today. i am just grouchy beyond all measure. it doesn't help that i just closed a show i loved and recently had some people let me down in a big way and haven't had much exercise, nutrition, or sex recently due to crippling busyness. there has been a lot of woe-is-me happening in my headspace this morning.

however.

my foot heater replacement came today. (there was a pipe that burst above my cubicle and the main thing it destroyed was my foot heater. i have felt cold and uncomforted at work ever since. perhaps it's why i've been so cranky here lately. this will melt my icy feet and heart.

i get paid today, and made enough on my L&E stipend to pay off some unexpected bills while still keeping up with my regular 3x school loan payoff. (so soon. i can't wait to be debt free.)

i will now have a little free time. not much for a couple more weeks, but more than i'd had in the past month. this is nice. i have plenty of projects to put my hands on.

but i still feel like crying. and maybe i will. just to get it out. it is needed as much for release as for sadness.
all i want to do is be at home under a blanket and reading zombie stories.

it is hard reading a book during show mode. when at best you have an hour at lunch, a half hour after work and another half hour before you fall asleep at the end of the day, novels tend to go very slow.

i don't read fast. i never have.

but you know what's nice? i have an anthology of zombie stories i pinched from the tallens the last time i house sat. and it's october and the leaves are coming down and it's cold and everything is dying and pumpkin-flavor. the times i have to read require me to be somewhere hidden so i will not be disturbed or warm in bed in a dark room with my little lamp; and hiding makes you more aware of sounds...or the lack of it. the atmosphere of the season is nice. i should make this a tradition: to read creepy things in fall.

when this book is over, i will probably read house of leaves. i refused to read too much about it, because it looks like a book i will loose myself in and to know little is to enjoy it better. sarah says she felt like she had to keep reading it or something bad would happen. and while i've tripped my eyes over a description or two, people categorize it as a horror book before saying that horror isn't accurate, but it's the closest genre there is to describe it.

good enough for me. bring on october booktimes.

zonkered.

Oct. 8th, 2012 11:01 am
i can't get my mind off my bed today and how much i'd rather be in it than at this desk. not just tired, but a bit of an upset stomach too. and a headache. i'm so out of it that i went to my purse to get some ibuprophen and went immediately on automatic and took my birth control pill instead; two hours early. it's going to be a slow day and i've read all my reader articles. i'm not sure how i'm going to make it to 5. and i am going to a show tonight which i will probably sleep through. sad.

this calls for coffee. and a healthy lunch. i miss vegetables. curse you, showmode.

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