[personal profile] duchess_of_pie
here's the thing. i recently saw a show i was called back for and REALLY wanted to do. the rejection hurt, but i will tell you that i was really proud of that audition. it was for someone i've been wanting to audition for for a long time and had been putting it off out of fear. i wanted my first audition for them to be "who's that girl" rather than my second audition being "oh. her again."

not long after, i did a workshop with this person and not only learned a LOT (both from a performance and a creator/director perspective), but they have reached out to me and told me i could call on them if i needed a resource. all at once, someone untouchable had sat down next to me and had a beer. and the relationship changed and my fear went away and i saw that i could start to do what they do.

okay. here's really the thing. so i want to do brilliant shows like this. there are certain people and companies in this town i want to work for. and i see my friends working with them, i see my "little brothers and sisters" (artists i actively gave a leg up to) surpassing me and landing jobs with my dream collaborators. it is hard not to be jealous. or feel inadequate, really.

i know that comparing myself is not the best way to be creative, but i try to always be a modest artist... and insecurity is a part of that. and i also realize that these are new goals i am yearning for, i have not had these goals forever (although it sometimes feels that way), and that the people i am working with and the work i am doing now is actually me completing old goals i forgot i had made. so it's really just a case of always wanting more. and that's okay. it's the comparison that is not. and i have to get rid of that shit. put the blinders on. realize that this is not a race and everyone's on a separate path.

because if i step back and look at it, i am doing good work and i am actively growing my skill set and my experience. my 2007 self would be pretty proud, actually.

i need to take this perspective right now. because i am about to step off into another void, another level of being an artist i would never have anticipated. i need to stop trying to find other similar artists to compare myself to and i need to stop thinking "what gives me the clout to do this? how have i earned this?" because i have earned it. if i'm doing it, i've earned it. i have to stop saying "i want to be the next so-n-so" and just start saying, "i am myself and this is what i've got."

the time has come for me to just shut the fuck up and make.

Date: 2013-03-02 03:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fleur.livejournal.com
I think I was talking to that director tonight and he said some nice things about you.

Date: 2013-03-06 03:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] duchess-of-pie.livejournal.com
this is the nicest thing i've read all day.

Date: 2013-03-06 04:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fleur.livejournal.com
We can chat later.

Date: 2013-03-02 02:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] susiegrapefruit.livejournal.com
There's that quote about not comparing your behind-the-scenes to everyone else's highlight reel. It's always more difficult to see your own accomplishments as accomplishments because you're familiar with your process and it still feels like a process to you, whereas everyone else's lives seem to happen by magic.

At least I feel that way. Everything I manage to do, I attach a "but" to it. Everything I don't do, I make it indicative of my whole life. It's a trap. And I haven't been able to outrun it. But I can try to remember that everyone has a "but". Also, everyone has a butt.

And for what it's worth, I'm proud of you.

Date: 2013-03-06 03:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] duchess-of-pie.livejournal.com
thank you, lady. i do try to remember that yeah, i don't get to see everyone's outtakes. i just sometimes wish my highlight reel was...highlightier.

Date: 2013-03-06 11:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] susiegrapefruit.livejournal.com
*nod* Heard that.

Date: 2013-03-02 11:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ms-violet.livejournal.com
I look forward to seeing what you'll make.

Date: 2013-03-06 03:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] duchess-of-pie.livejournal.com
well, i can guarantee there will be a small amount of cocaine and poop in it. because there is a small amount of cocaine and poop in everything. so says chemical analysis of dollar bills and women's purses.

Date: 2013-03-05 10:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rootstraps.livejournal.com
just shut the fuck up and make = great policy

Date: 2013-03-06 03:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] duchess-of-pie.livejournal.com
i'mma gonna stitch it on a pilla.

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