Mar. 1st, 2013

here's the thing. i recently saw a show i was called back for and REALLY wanted to do. the rejection hurt, but i will tell you that i was really proud of that audition. it was for someone i've been wanting to audition for for a long time and had been putting it off out of fear. i wanted my first audition for them to be "who's that girl" rather than my second audition being "oh. her again."

not long after, i did a workshop with this person and not only learned a LOT (both from a performance and a creator/director perspective), but they have reached out to me and told me i could call on them if i needed a resource. all at once, someone untouchable had sat down next to me and had a beer. and the relationship changed and my fear went away and i saw that i could start to do what they do.

okay. here's really the thing. so i want to do brilliant shows like this. there are certain people and companies in this town i want to work for. and i see my friends working with them, i see my "little brothers and sisters" (artists i actively gave a leg up to) surpassing me and landing jobs with my dream collaborators. it is hard not to be jealous. or feel inadequate, really.

i know that comparing myself is not the best way to be creative, but i try to always be a modest artist... and insecurity is a part of that. and i also realize that these are new goals i am yearning for, i have not had these goals forever (although it sometimes feels that way), and that the people i am working with and the work i am doing now is actually me completing old goals i forgot i had made. so it's really just a case of always wanting more. and that's okay. it's the comparison that is not. and i have to get rid of that shit. put the blinders on. realize that this is not a race and everyone's on a separate path.

because if i step back and look at it, i am doing good work and i am actively growing my skill set and my experience. my 2007 self would be pretty proud, actually.

i need to take this perspective right now. because i am about to step off into another void, another level of being an artist i would never have anticipated. i need to stop trying to find other similar artists to compare myself to and i need to stop thinking "what gives me the clout to do this? how have i earned this?" because i have earned it. if i'm doing it, i've earned it. i have to stop saying "i want to be the next so-n-so" and just start saying, "i am myself and this is what i've got."

the time has come for me to just shut the fuck up and make.



January 2015


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